Today I once again for probably the twentieth time got my heart broken yet again by the same man. This man is so emtionally unstable that I fell suicidal by being within ten feet of him (exageratio but im ranting sooo I can do that). Its just so frustrating to care about someone who has absolutely no idea what they want. Like don't lead me on if you are unsure you really want to be with me.
You know what I think the real problem is? Him and I are way too much alike. We are both extremely stubborn people, very frank people and I mean frank like do not ask for our opinion if you are not prepared to hear the truth, but the worst thing we have in common is that we lash out when we feel attacked. If you know me then you should know that it is not a good idea to make me angry. I can say some very cruel things when someone has hurt me or if I feel ganged up on. I f i have been cruel to anyone who is reading this I am very sorry and can honestly say that probably 95% of what I said was out of anger.
It just hurts you, you know? Pain hurts. I worry about this person so much and I really do not want to care anything for him, but I can't help it. In the past I have kept my heart so guarded that I felt safe that nobody would ever be able to work their way in, but I failed. Somehow he got the key and I repeatedly got screwed. Being able to flirt and flirt until I have a man eating out of the palm of my hand, and then being able to walk away feeling accomplished in knowing that I can flirt and walk away without any harm on my behalf, is a skill I've come to love. Its strange to be playing for the other team. So to all the guys out there whom I've done this to, I'm sorry. I now understand what I've done to some of you.
Walking away from this hurt, I've learned this heartbreak is inevitable. You can run from it all you want, but it's still goig to find you in the end. Also, always guard your heart, but when you have a good feeling its sometimes worth the risk of letting in.
I do not regret falling in love with this person even though I know it's going to take a long time for me to get over it. One goodthing i have discovered about myself is that I am able to love someone romantically, and I did not believe that I was capable of that. As the last argument was tolerated for the final time today I had no tears. Maybe this is because I have already used up all my tears that were designated for this one man. It is time to move on to someone who loves all of me and not just parts. In the past I had very low standards of what I deserved, but as with passage into being an adult woman I rely on the words of Maya Angelou...
Phenomenal Woman
by Maya Angelou
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.
Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me...
This is what a real woman is and deserves and should feel. Christina Craddock, Penomenal Woman, that's me.
